This page contains a lot of short jokes most of which were originally published with a fortune program that came with the Apollo AEGIS operating system (AEGIS was a UNIX dialect). The fortune program was an old friend in the mainframe world that could pop up a joke, profound, or, possibly, silly message. Each joke on this page has its own link from the Jokes Page.


A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.

-- Dave Barry


A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

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A newly appointed parson was making a tour of his new vicarage on bike. On one of the country roads, he met a small boy. "Good morning, my good boy, what is your name?" said the parson. The boy pressed his lips together tightly and shook his head. "Well, shy? Where do you live?" tried the parson. Same reaction. This one-sided conversation continued a short while longer, then the parson gave up and said: "Well, have it your way - but please tell me the way to the baker's?" ... Another shake of the head. Irritated, the parson said: "Look here, I am the parson, I talk to God, and if you don't tell me the way to the baker's, you'll not get to heaven!" The boy finally opened his mouth and said calmly: "And you'll not get to the baker's!"

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A man, who had been a bit of a rogue, one morning woke up in a beautiful house in a beautiful park. He had servant at his disposal, and, as he soon found out, anything he asked for was immediately granted. He could have wonderful meals, wine, parties, women, music etc... and no matter how wild a party had been, the house would be spotless the next morning and he would wake up, fit as a fiddle, with no trace of a hangover.

He enjoyed himself thoroughly, but after some time, he became restless. The parties bored him, and the women seemed all alike. He thought about this for some time, and finally it dawned upon him what he was missing. He called his good servant and said: - I want to try something new! I want to do some work, I want a woman who won't just do everything I ask of her! I want some challenge!

- Well sir, - said the servant, - I'm afraid that is impossible! All those things mean problems, and you are not allowed to have any problems here! -

- But then, - cried the man, - ... I might as well be in hell! -

- Well sir, - said the servant, -  but where do you think you are?? -

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A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."

"But the collar is up around my ears!"

"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it."

"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.

"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."

So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by. "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"

"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."

-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

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A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

-- Audobon Society Magazine

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A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling

by Mark Twain


For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

(Interestingly, when I spell-checked this document, the spell checker was able to nearly correctly translate the first 2/3 of the above text to contemporary English)

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After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created."

"This is true," He replied.

"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.

"What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?"

"Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own."

It was so granted.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

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Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.

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It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, "Got a minute to tell me about WIN95?"

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